‘Calm down, please’, is what I hear a desperate mother shout at her four-year-old at Perth airport.
In children psychology, most specialists agree on the healthy, cathartic cleanse of a tantrum, whereas with adults this appears to be more complex. We live in a society where there is less and less direct release. The good old ‘punch up’ is not really accepted anymore as a form of anger management.
The changes in communication within the society
On top of it, the increasing influence of virtual reality also shapes our emotional expression. A direct expression is replaced by shortened emotional expressions in text messages and ‘facebook chats’.
What are we meant to do, when a raging fire of emotion inside us is about to erupt?
Expression of strong emotions can clear the air. But how do we express them, to not turn it into the tantrum of a four-year-old?
Considering some of the cultural heritage of Australian society it is worth taking a look at the Victorian age, which had a very direct influence on some of the rules of conduct in today’s society.
“The word “emotion” has named a psychological category and a subject for systematic inquiry only since the 19th century. Before then, relevant mental states were categorized variously as “appetites,” “passions,” “affections,” or “sentiments.” The word “emotion” has existed in English since the 17th century, originating as a translation of the French émotion, meaning a physical disturbance. (Thomas Dixon, School of History, Queen Mary, University of London, UK)
Society presented the upper class with a distinct set of rules for male and female how to behave appropriately in public and close relationships. ‘The facade’, the face, that we turn to the world around us ought to be well maintained and immaculate.
For the women, decency, privacy and prudence were advised and outer calmness was expected. The men could express themselves a little more clearly, as far as they wouldn’t demonstrate any outer weakness or lose control.
Control of emotions
Control of emotions, “the stiff upper lip”, was part of the bigger picture of holding control in society and further expanding control out into the world as a colonial superpower.
Control and hierarchy were dominant elements in the English society and thus were imported “intravenously” into the Anglo-Saxon society. As depression, drug abuse and mental health issues skyrocket within the Australian society it is worth asking.
Do we need to calm down or do we need to get closer to our emotional world, to learn how we really feel on the inside and to let that knowledge feed into our relationships and choices?
Control based on repression is rigid and becomes fragile and brittle with time. Anything rigid as we know from our physical body is eventually bound to break. What does it take to become more familiar and intimate with your own emotions and yet not lose yourself in them?
The nature of emotions
The swiss –german philosopher Eckhart Tolle describes the nature of emotions in his book “A New Earth”. He states that ninety-nine percent of all emotions are previously experienced, “old” feelings.
In the first seven years, a young person collects a catalog of core emotions and their related triggers. I.e. A child experiences at the age of five the feeling of deep distress through rejection when a parent acts repeatedly withdrawn and unavailable.
Later in life, this child grows up to an adult, who reacts to others not being promptly available with the same feeling of deep hurt and rejection. We do not grow up in our feelings unless we understand the origins and the related triggers.
How to get along with emotions
In order to gain emotional maturity we need to:
- Feel the feeling.
- Understand that it is a pattern and disproportionate to its trigger.
- Accept and let go of the feeling.
This process takes consciousness and willingness to explore the sometimes uncomfortable, in order to become more “real” and ultimately gain insight and true control over your own emotions.
Yoga posture and self-inquiry, for example, are very comprehensive techniques to start this process and have the advantage that the person eventually themselves can address the issue.